


Huerta Memorial

by meesherbeans



Series: You Make Me Feel Human [15]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Comfort/Angst, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:36:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3146087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meesherbeans/pseuds/meesherbeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a week since the incident on Mars, and Shepard finally gets the extranet message she's been waiting for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Aye aye, Commander." Joker's voice ran through the ever-tinny speaker above the CIC. "One school of stupidly smart kids coming up."

Shepard patted Traynor on the shoulder quickly and gave her a strained smile. "Good job, Traynor. Given how fast Joker flies, it looks like we'll make it in time to save them."

"Thank you, Commander." Traynor blushed and shied away from her. Huh, was it something she said? Shepard mentally shrugged and took a step toward the elevator. She was pretty out of practice when it came to deal with Alliance military; it's entirely plausible she wasn't formal enough anymore. Just as the doors slid open, Traynor blinked and called after her. "Commander, I–"

 _Alright. Time to nip this in the bud._ She spun around and gave her trademark cocky smirk. "–Traynor, call me Shepard. Please."

The Specialist was taken aback for a second, staring with wide brown eyes. "I…yes, Shepard. Sorry, ma'am." She stood straight again and cleared her throat. "A few messages came in while we were discussing the signal anomaly, including two from the Citadel."

"Oh, okay. Thanks. I'll download them here, then." Shepard popped open her omni-tool and walked over to the message terminal. After having Hackett interrupt her in the middle of sleeping a few times, she had ripped the one in her room out from the wall. She wasn't good enough with tech to be able to automatically funnel things to her personal omni-tool, and she didn't trust anyone else with it. Far too many personal things stored on it. That meant she was stuck manually forwarding everything for the time being.

She quickly scanned the extranet addresses and message titles as she went through and checked every new message for forwarding. Just a bunch of normal junk: Udina wanted some intel, Hackett had sent her formal reinstatement notice, her favorite mod store had a new Mattock upgrade in stock, Kaidan sent her a mess–

Kaidan?

Shepard stopped as cold shock washed over her. He was okay?

_Doc says I'm ready for visitors – Alenko, Kaidan_

There it was, in glowing letters. She swallowed unexpected joy, forcing herself to take a deep breath and just _breathe_ again. She thought that she had concealed her emotions pretty well since Mars, and that needed to continue. A soft shake of the head later, Shepard selected the other three messages before jabbing the ‘Forward' button. She sent them to her omni-tool, the soft chime letting her know it was successful.

"I'll, uh. I'll be in my room taking care of these. EDI, could you alert me if any crew members need something?" She stalked toward the elevator and stepped inside as soon as it appeared.

"Of course, Shepard."

EDI's voice was laced with curiosity, but Shepard would have none of it. "Thanks."

* * *

"What the hell was  _that?_ " A hand waved at the screen as Shepard disappeared into the elevator.

Garrus sighed when Joker looked up toward him. "Why would I know?"

The pilot shrugged and settled back down in his chair. "I dunno. Did something happen down there on the moon?"

"No." He crossed his arms and looked over at his smartass friend. "Did something happen on Mars?"

It had been a few months since he had spent any real time with Joker, but it was clear as day that something happened. The man didn't answer the question, instead deciding to focus on tweaking their trajectory toward the mass relay. The only time his friend didn't answer a question was when something serious had occurred.

"…Joker."

"What?"

Garrus tilted his head, giving his approximation of the human version of annoyed. "What happened?"

Two crooked hands – probably from being broken and reset repeatedly – threw themselves up in a defensive position. "Listen, you didn't hear it from me, alright? I don't want Shepard to know I got EDI to let me listen to their helmet comms. She'd probably break my legs or something."

He would've laughed at Joker's antics if the hesitancy didn't bother him so much. Something serious had happened. Garrus nodded once, trying to make his voice as soothing as possible. "You know I can stay quiet."

"Alright. As you know, we picked up Liara. But we had to drop someone off at the Citadel before swinging over to your moon. If I said ‘they got hurt,' it'd be the understatement of the century." He stopped talking for a second, collecting his thoughts. "Pretty much dead. It's a miracle we got there in time."

A pause settled over them; a pretty uncomfortable one. People died – or almost died – all the time in war. Joker wouldn't build up something like this unless it was a really big deal. Garrus cleared his throat. "It was Alenko, wasn't it?"

The hat quietly bobbed up and down. "Yeah. I kinda wish I hadn't been listening to the helmets, to be honest. They were starting to get over everything, and then a robot shows up and turns him into a pancake. She's really upset."

"Dammit…I bet that message was from the hospital."

Joker sighed, sounding a little off guard. "Ahh, shit. I bet you're right." He looked up, more of his trademark mischievousness seeping back into his voice. "Hey, EDI."

The melodic voice scolded Joker through the nearest speaker. "I will not allow you access to Shepard's personal messages, Jeff. If my own curiosity weren't so piqued at the time, I would not have streamed the helmet conversations, either; and I should not have. It is not correct of me to intrude any further."

A low sound of thoughtful discontent floated from the pilot's chair. "That just means it's even juicer than normal. C'mon, EDI."

"No, Jeff." The voice clearly was not going to budge.

While he didn't particularly like AIs in general, Garrus had to admit that EDI had taken to her unshackling pretty well. _At least she hasn't vented the ship and taken off to conquer the galaxy,_ he thought with amusement. She kept some semblance of morals in place, and was always picking organic minds as to honesty and ethical ideologies. Hell, he'd only been on the ship for one day and she'd already prodded him about his thoughts on the concept of family and blood-ties.

Joker rolled his eyes. "Fine, EDI. See if I tell you that great joke I heard the other day."

"I have time."

Garrus gave an amused snort at their antics and shook his head. "I'll leave you two to your bickering. Time to go see how badly they messed up the firing algorithms."

* * *

_Hey Shepard,_

_Through some combination of a medical miracle and dumb luck, I survived the beating I took on Mars. The doctors say I'm still not ready to be released, but I'd really like to see you if you can spare the time._

_Councilor Udina offered to make me a Spectre. Still thinking about whether or not I should accept. Stop by my room at the hospital when you're on the Citadel. I'd like your advice._

_Kaidan_

Shepard had never felt relief more palpable than at that moment. For the first time in a week, she could actually breathe again. Deep, comforting, happy gulps of air. She closed the message and sat back in her chair. Kaidan was alive. He was going to be okay. He even wanted to see her, even after all their fighting on Mars. All she wanted to do was order Joker to hightail it to the Citadel, but she couldn't. Abandoning those kids to Cerberus was _not_ an option.

Kaidan of all people would certainly understand that. She popped his message back open and hit reply.


	2. Chapter 2

Feet plodded along the metal flooring. She barely managed to keep from dragging them, but it was a near thing. Shepard hadn't slept between Grissom and heading back to the Citadel, and she was feeling the effects. While it was great for the school, being so close to a mass relay, that unfortunately meant the trip back to the Citadel was practically instant. No time for rest. It was truly great seeing Jack again – especially when she so clearly _belonged_ there – but the only person Shepard cared about seeing at this point was Kaidan. The kids were all safe and on the Citadel, even poor David Archer. Conscious clear, she finally made it through security and headed to the elevator.

With every step toward the hospital, she felt a small jolt of energy shoot up her back. She was going to see him, and he was _alive_. Alive and actually waiting for her. The elevator ride was tortuously long, but that was okay. It gave her a chance to lean against the wall and rest. When the doors shifted open, she half expected him to be waiting there. A foolish thought, but there it was. She stood straight and assumed her Commander Shepard posture before confidently walking into the waiting room.

"Commander Shepard? Are you here to see anyone in particular?" Dr. Michel smiled at her from over a clipboard.

Shepard stopped and circled around, forcing a professional smile. "Hello, Dr. Michel. Yeah, I'm here to see Kaidan. How's he doing?"

The doctor flipped through a few charts on the clipboard before answering. "We managed to keep the brain swelling to a minimum, and there seems to be no damage to his cognition. With monitored bed rest, he will fully recover."

Her smile turned just a tad more genuine at the good news. "Great. Thanks, doc. Keep up the good work."

"You too, Shepard."

Both women politely ignored each other, Shepard turning on her heel to continue marching down the hall. Dr. Michel wasn't a bad sort, she reflected. No one could ever replace Chakwas in her heart, or probably anyone else's who had spent time on the Normandy, though. Given her intense dislike of doctors – you never need one unless something's wrong – Shepard was taken aback by just how much she and Karin got along. As she stopped outside Kaidan's door, checking to see if his name was still on the ID sticker, she made a note to tell Chakwas that she'd checked in on Kaidan.

A deep preparatory breath later, she quietly activated the door switch.

"I'd like an answer, Major." _God damn it, is that Udina's voice?_   Shepard winced as the diplomat's back came into view through the doors. "The galaxy has need of exceptional soldiers like you, now more than ever."

Yep. Definitely Udina. She twisted her face into what was probably the most neutral expression she could ever muster when that man was in the same room as her: cool indifference. The two of them just did _not_ get along.

"You'll have it soon, Councilor. I promise." Kaidan's voice sounded like it always did when he was trying to get someone to leave: slightly higher than normal and overly placating.

The councilor's hands untwisted from behind his back with a nod. "I'll look forward to it." He spun around and paused, face etching into a similarly disinterested mask when he realized who she was. He definitely still felt the same way. "Shepard."

Her acknowledgement was equally chilly, her nod so curt it was barely military. "Udina."

The room went quiet as Udina stalked away. Neither of them seemed to want to speak until the doors had hissed shut behind him.

She broke the silence with a lame and unsure, "Hey."

"Shepard, hey." Kaidan looked almost as bad as he did when they brought him in. Bruises were plastered all over his face and cuts that would definitely become scars were still tender and dark red. "You just missed snack time." He shifted to sit a bit straighter when she pulled up a stool, not even pretending to stand on pretense as she set it close to his bed. "…Actually, that's probably a good thing. Thanks for coming."

Shepard smiled awkwardly when he thanked her. _As if wild horses could keep me from getting here._ "No problem." Her hand waved to the now-closed door. "So what did Udina want? Still thinking about the Spectre position?"

"Well, it's a big honor. Huge responsibility, just need to be sure." Most would have heard nothing but thoughtful hesitance, but she knew him better than anyone. She heard the faint unsurety, confusion in his voice. It was so like him to question if he was worthy of a promotion. Unlike the Kaidan of a few years ago however, this one quickly recovered and changed the subject.

She was bizarrely proud of him.

"I am so ready to get out of here, Shepard. You can't tell, but I'm tied to this bed by medical red tape. I mean, doc…doc says I'm good to go, but then she always finds just one more test to run."

"You doing okay?" He sounded stressed out. Was it being stuck here? She herself hated being cooped up, and with a war going on for the galaxy's very survival…well, she could understand.

"My implant got a little…rattled? So doc just wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit." He paused. "It's really no big deal."

That pause told her it _was_ a big deal. He was definitely not happy about being stuck here while everyone else ran around trying to save the galaxy; it was a sentiment Shepard completely related with. Time to break out her patented sense of humor and cheer him up. _Heh, break out. Ooh, that's a good one._ She quirked her lips into a smirk. "Need me to break you out?"

Kaidan's soft chuckle gave her a new burst of energy. At least she could still make him laugh. "I'll let you know."

They sat together quietly, both not quite sure what to say. Every time she looked over at him, his eyes quickly diverted to her hands. If she weren't too busy trying to figure out how to start a conversation, she would have laughed out loud. There they were: military, in their thirties, war heroes…and currently embroiled in an almost-uncomfortable version of trying to flirt in middle school. A minute or so later, she finally spoke up.

"I'm glad you asked me to come. It's good to see you're going to be okay." _Understatement of the year._

He smiled, actually letting her catch his eye this time. "Thanks."

The earnest connection cut through any emotional barriers she thought she had up. The words tumbled out of her mouth, nearly unbidden. "You almost died protecting me, it was…horrible." There was no word to describe that sheer terror. Horrible was the best she could do. She leaned forward, hands desperately reaching to touch the sheets that rested under an arm stuck with an IV. They needed to keep up pretenses, she knew that; but none of that mattered. Not at that moment.

He almost died.

She _did_ die.

Despite that, somehow they were still connected. Fate hadn't seen it fit to completely rip them apart yet. "And…I care about what happens to you, Kaidan."

"Me, too. That…means a lot, Kaelia." Everyone used her last name because she insisted on it. Shepard was a strong, bold name; one that helped the image of Commander. Her first name was a little too girly, not nearly military enough for the persona she had cultivated over the years. Kaidan was the only one who called her by it, at least when they were alone.

Goosebumps rippled up her arms when he carefully reached to gently rest a hand on hers. For one brief second, they were the sole two people in the universe. A pained cough from the next room over made them both flinch and pull their hands apart. Damn public places. Kaidan cleared his throat before venturing a new topic. "So, I just want to make sure. After Mars, after everything, you and me…we'll be okay?"

If there were ever a dictionary that used sentence snippets, that one would fall under 'perfect example of a loaded question.' Would they be okay? She had no idea. After some of the things that were said on Mars, Shepard wasn't sure if they could ever truly move past it all. That didn't mean she didn't want to, though. Maybe if they started out being colleagues again, they'd make it. Just friends might break her, but it was better than hate, at least. She picked her words slowly, deliberately. "We've...been through hell together, had each other's backs…that kind of bond, it's hard to break."

"No, not just that. You were my commander, sure, but…" His voice was tinted with faint annoyance, but it faltered by the end. "Well, you know."

_Do I ever._

Small bits of memory flashed through her mind: the night he enveloped her in his biotic field, the time she surprised him with a small bottle of maple syrup, the afternoon they finally admitted their feelings to each other. She was so much more than his commander. "Yeah…I do."

"So, what do you say? Are we good?"

"We're good, I think." How could they not be? There was far too much hope, too much optimism in the both of them. As they sat next to each other, it was clear as day that neither had completely given up. "It was great to have you back on the Normandy."

Kaidan processed that with a faint nod. "…You think?"

"Yeah." Shepard wanted to kick herself, but she just couldn't help it. They were alone, he was quite literally stuck in place; there was nothing but time to talk. The only thing that could interrupt them would be a Reaper attack on the Citadel, and if that happened there were much bigger issues to address. "Are…are we going to be able to get past Horizon?"

"I'd like to, Shepard. As friends, as…more than friends…I dunno." He sighed and pushed himself up again; it seemed like the angled bed had a habit of making him slump. Brown eyes rested on her face for a few heartbeats before flickering away to the Presidium outside the windows. "I mean, I just want you in my life."

The admission gave tired bones a new life as she took a deep breath. "So…how do we fix it?"

He chuckled again and looked down, picking at the IV site. His voice dropped a notch or two in pitch, making her stomach twist. Damn, he really did still have that effect on her. "Maybe you should just know that I'm not seeing anyone, and that I still care."

"Kaidan…" Shepard wasn't sure if it was the voice, the lack of sleep, or general emotional exhaustion, but she had to keep herself from swooning a bit in her chair. "I–"

"Look…" He cut her off, slow and calculated with his words. He did ramble a bit, but she knew that was when Kaidan was at his most honest. "There's a war on and…maybe you and me'll never happen, but…I need you to know that. Because I do. And…because that's how we'll get past Horizon."

Red eyebrows furrowed together. Was he actually suggesting what she thought he was suggesting? She sat straight, hands pushing against her thighs. "By ignoring it?"

"No, by…" He sighed and closed his eyes. "By looking at the present, where we are now."

What he said was probably logical, but the memory of being left behind on Horizon still cut Shepard deep. All she wanted was for him to trust her long enough to let her explain, but he laid right into her and blamed her for everything. Even thinking about it now dragged her mood down. "…You said I betrayed you."

A small part of her enjoyed his wince at the reminder. "I'll admit, I own that. Seeing you alive…man, it sent me spinning. I couldn't believe it. Two years of… I know that I handled it badly." Brown eyes opened and sought out her own bright green, guilty. "I'm sorry, Kaelia."

"Me, too." If someone had asked Shepard what she was apologizing for, she wouldn't have been able to tell them; but it felt right. The whole situation was one big mess. Hell, the whole galaxy was one big mess right now. Neither of them had had the time to process the devastation on Earth, especially him. He was unconscious for most of the past week. _Oh, shit. Earth. He actually has people down there._ "So, um, where's your family? Are they safe?"

"My family? My parents…still live in Vancouver. My dad's family owns an orchard in the B.C. interior. They were headed out there on a shuttle the day of the attack."

She frowned. Vancouver is where they were when the Reapers hit; one of the central locations. If they weren't far enough out before the attack… "Have you heard from them?"

"No, not yet. But I hope…heh, I'm hoping Dad's Alliance training has kept them safe." Dry, blood-drained hands twisted together above his blanket. She immediately regretted asking in the first place. "Must be killing them, not knowing where I am."

 _Better that they won't find out until after you're stable._ "I'll ask Anderson if he's heard anything."

Kaidan blinked and looked to her with some surprise; his voice matched the expression, which just confused her. Helping people is what she did, why would that surprise him? "I'd…really appreciate that. Thanks."

"No problem. I know you and your mom are close." Her offhanded mention of his mom prompted the memory of a conversation they had while freezing their asses off. Maybe mentioning it would lighten the mood a bit. "Remember that advice she gave you, the sweater on Noveria?"

His laugh wasn't as loud or as deep as it could've been, but she could tell he was holding back. Probably because of all the bruises on his body. Huh, laughing would probably really hurt. Either way, she genuinely grinned when the casual reminder got the reaction she was hoping for. "Hah, yeah. A sweater wouldn't have done anything."

"Maybe a bulletproof one would've." Tired or not, she thought that her wit was as strong as ever. Shepard folded her hands across her chest and smiled fondly at the floor.

A short chuckle floated her way. "Yeah… I still say we should have popped off some incendiary rounds."

"You'd have been more likely to scare the blue off Liara than warm her up if you did that."

"Who says that's not why I wanted to?" When she looked over at the wickedly playful line, she had to bite back a grin. His eyes had twinkled for a brief second and knocked the wind out of her.

When she remembered to breathe, she looked away again. That was entirely too dangerous right now. She was more apt to say _damn the rules_ and jump him right there…which would not have been good for his health or their dignity. The hospital rooms weren't exactly closed off and windowless. "Please, you're too upstanding to purposefully scare an innocent young lady."

"Heh. Maybe." He let the backhanded compliment slide before comfortable silence permeated the room. That hadn't happened in years. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she just quietly enjoyed the company of anyone at all. Fitting in a way that he was the one to break that dry spell.

Kaidan's voice cut back through her thoughts, unsure again. "Listen, I'm really glad you came by. Talking like this…it reminds me how much I miss you." When he used the present tense, she couldn't help herself; she looked back up. Their eyes met once more and everything else faded away. She swore he could hear her heartbeat, what with it being in her throat now. The next few words he whispered almost bowled her over. "We're good together."

It took every single ounce of will in her to keep from leaping out of her seat and kissing him until they were both breathless. Not only would it kill both their careers, and probably do some serious damage to his face, but deep down Shepard knew that it wasn't right yet. They still had a lot of healing to do, both together and on their own; this was just the first step. It was painfully ironic that it took one of them almost dying to finally push past the emotional scarring of the other's death. The last thing either of them needed was to immediately jump back into a relationship. There were still some lingering trust issues they needed to work through first.

Plus the whole 'Reapers attacking the galaxy' thing. As important as he was to her, she had a job to do. Hell, the Normandy was probably about ready to take off again. Refueling never took long.

"So, uh, I shouldn't keep you any longer." She had to hold back a laugh when it was clear that Kaidan was on the same wavelength. Then again, maybe he was just tired. Healing could be a bitch sometimes. She stood up and nodded, brushing a fuzzy from her shoulder in order to finally break their gaze. His voice betrayed him, soft and yearning. "Wish I could go with you."

Shepard wished he could go with her, too. Not much more in the galaxy would make her happier than to have him on the same ship again. Just like old times. She smiled sadly and gave him one last long look, a flash of depression hitting when she realized that she was trying to memorize his face. "Me, too…"

The door beeped and swooshed open, both marines immediately snapping to attention. Without even missing a beat, she continued the sentence as if she were talking to any other officer: professional and to the point. "…But you keep on healing, Major. We need you at 100%."

"Aye aye, ma'am." He saluted her with his free hand and turned to look at the nurse who had just walked in. "Already? C'mon, you drained fluid this morning, too."

Ew, draining fluid. Before she could make a smartass comment or do something stupid like wink at him, Shepard curtly turned on her heel and marched out like he was just another soldier…not the love of her life. Knowing that he wasn't on the brink of death made it a lot easier.

It still sucked, though.


End file.
